Diamonds Are Forever (1971)


What can I say, I own just about every James Bond film and have been working through them but let me tell you, Diamonds Are Forever is NOT a girl’s best friend and it’s not my friend either! This is one little Vegas story that should have stayed in Vegas. While is may have Sean Connery, and it may have the Narrator from Rocky Horror Picture Show (although he didn’t once suggest Bond “Jump to the left…Into a trap-door of death!”), this little picture, like a Dutch blue movie from the 70’s, sucked donkeys!

The Story scores 0 because whatever corpse of a story was scraped into a casket, it didn’t inspire me as much as it inspired Austin Powers. The Look scores a +2 because it had no effect on me one way or another. The Overall Casting scores a +2 because it should have been the right choices. The Commitment to Genre scores a +1 because while it was truly a James Bond film, it doesn’t live up to most James Bond films.

Subtotal: 5


Now I will award +0 for Bond relieving a girl of her bikini top saying “there’s something I’d like you to get off your chest” and then strangling her with it. All the while asking her questions and telling her he can’t hear her! It was a little funny and a little stupid.

I will award +1 for the this dialogue:

Bond: Weren’t you a blonde a minute ago?

Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?

Bond: Provided the collars and cuffs match…enh!?”

Bond standing on the street with his arms wrapped around his back, pretending that he is making out with a girl was so fucking ridiculous that it deserves a very enthusiastic -2! Really? The great master spy, James Fucking Bond using that gag?

I will also deduct -1 for Curly the gas station attendant for blowing it. I’m sure Curly is out there somewhere selling shit on ebay, boasting his Bond career even though he’s not credited anywhere and he had actual lines!

Another amusing moment is when gangsters throw Bond’s prostitute, Plenty O’Toole, off of a balcony and when she lands in a pool, Bond says, “Exceptionally fine shot.” to which the gangster replies, “I didn’t know there was pool down there.” +1

But truly, the saviours of the 7th Bond instalment are the two weird gay assassins, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. I’m a little surprised in characters like this existing in a 1971 film. They were absurd and interesting and menacing. They made the high and mighty Sean Connery look bad in his own movie up until their Naked Gun-esque demise, one by fire the other by an explosive wedgie. They deserve +2.

The big finale has nothing going for it except the sheer nonsensical need to wrap it up in a way that the viewer can believe it’s over and that warrants a -1. Unfortunately, in all of that pointlessness, they (Bond, SPECTRE agents, the writers) seemed to forget about Blofeld. Did he die? Did he escape? Did he get caught? Who the fuck knows? Not me. Not them. -1.

Grand Total: 4.






1 thought on “Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

  1. I like the robotic narration in the movie trailer. “The greatest. Bond. Adventure of. Them. All.”

    It’s like even he is embarrassed to be involved in the proceedings.

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