Dark Shadows (2012)


What do you get when have a master actor like Johnny Depp, the super-hot Michelle Pfeiffer, foxes like Eva Green and Bella Heathcote, throw in some Helena Bonham Carter and a bit of Jonny Lee Miller and then top it all with a dash of Hit-Girl Chloe Grace Moretz? Wait, don’t answer! What if you then wrapped them all up in a perfectly-styled set with groovy-licious wardrobe and superb visual effects?

You get a big YAWN-FEST!

Really? Oh yeah, a big frakkin’ yawnfest. A beautiful heap of nothing.

Story: +0. Look: +2. Casting: +2. Commitment to Genre? If it’s a comedy, it’s not funny. If it’s a horror film, it’s not scary but it’s got too much violence, implied sex and general cleavage to be a kid’s movie. If it’s a historical drama, it needed nudity! Commitment to Genre: +0. Title: +1 because they reused an old name.

Sub-Total: 5.

I will deduct -1 point for the lack of nudity that would have helped this little picture and I’ll also deduct -1 point for Tim Burton sprinkling the same shit magic on Dark Shadows that he sprinkled on Planet of the Apes!

Total: +3

I could barely remember the film before the end credits began to roll and I hadn’t had a drop of booze. Maybe I should have. Imagine Edward Scissorhands walking through a beautiful labyrinth he had just created, scratching his ass and writing a shopping list.

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